Constantly Comparing Myself to Other Women After My Husband’s Affair: Insights That Might Help
Website design By BotEap.comI often hear of wives having serious self-esteem issues after their husband has an affair. Many no longer feel attractive, sexy, or confident. Many admit that they constantly compare themselves to other women. Sometimes this means comparing yourself to “the other woman” (ie, comparing yourself to the woman her husband cheated on or had an affair with). And some admit that any other woman is fair game. We may find ourselves looking at our female friends and acquaintances and wondering if their husbands are faithful to them. And then we analyze our assumptions.
Website design By BotEap.comA wife recently put this into words beautifully. She said, in part, “I find myself checking, scrutinizing and comparing myself to countless other women. I’ll check out the women in the PTA. I’ll look at the mom in front of me in the checkout line.” at the supermarket. I’m going to spy on families eating at restaurants. And every time I do this, I wonder if the woman in question has a husband who has been faithful to her. I will find something in her appearance that I like. or find superior to that same attribute when it comes to my own appearance. My friend from the PTA has prettier eyes than I do. The woman in the gym has a much better figure. My son’s teacher is much more confident than I am. My next door neighbor is much more outgoing. And the woman my husband cheated on me with is probably more exciting in the bedroom. I find myself doing this all the time. And I never did this before my husband cheated on me. It’s like he’s looking at me for my own flaws and looking for strengths or positives in other people that I can no longer see in myself. Is he wrong with me and how can I stop doing this?”
Website design By BotEap.comI will try to address these concerns in the following article.
Website design By BotEap.comIt is more common to compare yourself to the woman your husband cheated on you with, but know that these comparisons are often not accurate: Probably the most common comparison in this situation is comparing yourself to “the other woman.” Many women will find out as much as possible about her. This can quickly become an unhealthy obsession. It is as if we feel that this woman has all the answers for us. If we can find out what our husband sees in her or what she offers him, then we can find out what we don’t have and respond accordingly.
Website design By BotEap.comBut here are some problems with this logic. Very often, as hard as it is to believe at the time, it is not this woman’s appearance, personality, or sexual prowess that causes our husband to cheat on her. I know that some will disagree and debate this with me. But I do have men comment or contact me on my blog and it’s pretty clear that a lot of them cheat in times of crisis, self-doubt, or low self-esteem. So an affair or cheating often has more to do with the attributes of the man he cheated on than the woman he cheated with.
Website design By BotEap.comThere is a common perception that the other woman has some magical attributes or that the husband has finally found the perfect woman for him or his “soul mate”. I don’t buy this for a second. And many men who have the time and distance to think about this agree with me. Often, after the adventure has been over for a while, you’ll hear comments like “When I look at her now, I don’t know what the hell I saw in her.” Or “I feel so stupid when I remember it now.”
Website design By BotEap.comSo when a wife looks to this other woman for answers, she often doesn’t realize that if there really are “answers,” she will often find them with her husband instead of the other woman. . It is often something missing or lacking within him rather than something the other woman had or possessed. Sure, the other woman could be younger. She even she could be pretty. But this is usually not the underlying reason for the deception. And she has nothing to do with you. Her appearance, personality, or accomplishments should eventually be completely separate from the way you see yourself. Sometimes recovering from an affair means completely removing it from your mind and life so you can focus on your own recovery and yourself. She really is a third party and she should continue to be.
Website design By BotEap.comComparing yourself to other women who have nothing to do with your husband’s affair: I often hear of women who do their best to avoid thinking about the other woman, but then find themselves comparing themselves to friends, acquaintances, or even family members. This can be very frustrating when, intellectually, you know this doesn’t make any sense. Women in recovery sometimes tell me that they are envious or jealous of women who seem to have faithful and loving husbands.
Website design By BotEap.comI hear women say they suddenly envy the mousy neighbor whose husband comes running home from work. Or they will focus on the couple in the church who seem to be devoted only to each other. You’re wondering what these marriages have that yours didn’t or what these wives have that ensures their husbands are faithful to them. I understand this. I did this myself. But here’s the thing. As we all know, appearances are deceiving. None of us really know what really goes on behind closed doors. The couple who seem so in love today could very well be dealing with infidelity tomorrow.
Website design By BotEap.comThe truth is that we are not going to learn why our husband cheated on us from other couples, other people, or even other women. We’re just going to get at least some of those answers from our husband and ourselves. Furthermore, other people’s attributes do not diminish our own. I know it’s hard right now, but remember that you are just as special and valuable as anyone else.
Website design By BotEap.comRemember that another person’s actions do not affect your worth or value as a woman. You are beyond compare: It is very common for women to suffer a serious blow to their own self-esteem after their husband cheats on them. This is in no way your fault. But, you have to fight this process. Because even if you don’t feel like it, you are still the same woman who turned your husband’s head or who felt good when he looked in the mirror in the not too distant past. You weren’t changed by your husband’s affair, at least not physically. Yes, this may temporarily change how you feel about him, his marriage, or yourself. But remember you did nothing wrong. The actions of another person should not change the way you feel about yourself.
Website design By BotEap.comBeing a special person without comparison does not depend on the attributes that other women have or lack. And right now, your healing will likely come when you focus on yourself instead of others. I know this is difficult, but if you make a concerted effort to watch your focus, it is eventually possible to stop this process.