Recovery is like an onion

Website design By BotEap.comThe focus of this article is biblical recovery for abuse survivors, so I must begin this new “Dangerous People” feature with an explanation of what limits are and why they are necessary.

Website design By BotEap.comHaving clear boundaries is essential for a healthy and balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a line of personal property that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Limits impact all areas of our lives.

Website design By BotEap.com* Physical limits help us determine who can touch us.

Website design By BotEap.com* Mental limits give us the freedom to have our own thoughts.

Website design By BotEap.com* Emotional limits help us deal with our own emotions.

Website design By BotEap.com* Spiritual limits help us distinguish God’s will from ours.

Website design By BotEap.comIn short, without borders, without recovery.

Website design By BotEap.comI’ve been thinking seriously lately about who the “dangerous people” are for those of us who have survived abuse and are trying to recover. Unless we can recognize the different types of danger that exist, there is a high probability that we will go off the rails in our recovery.

Website design By BotEap.comRecovery is a process. Consider peeling an onion. The first layer of scaly skin is removed. Well! We have probably decided that we need help. We find competent help and start the journey. Soon the second layer of scaly skin is shed. Excellent! Now we are starting to see what the problem is! There may be months between the first and second layer of onion skin. As each layer is shed, the smell and sting get stronger, but we persevere because we want to be whole, complete with dignity and a healthy sense of identity.

Website design By BotEap.comSometimes there are years between layers of onion skin. We thought we were doing great, and then BAM! Someone verbally slaps us and we feel like we’re going back to the first step. It takes longer to process what happened and how we should deal with it. That’s where committed Christians have an advantage: They have a real Source outside of themselves. He is Almighty God with the power to give us a vision that really helps. Of course, we must have a meek spirit and be humble enough to ask for His help.

Website design By BotEap.comI have met many people, including myself, who have been “in recovery” for many years. And I’ve seen most of them run into unexpected pain. Someone they thought they could trust betrays them. Someone they thought was healthy and everything surprises them with luggage they have never seen before. (And we all have a secret baggage.)

Website design By BotEap.comOr an adult child starts spitting out hateful comments and rips out a mother or father’s heart.

Website design By BotEap.comMaybe a friend you shared painful memories with (and they shared theirs) doesn’t value the relationship enough to resolve it. They erase you from their life in seconds and leave you feeling confused, dazed, and totally alone. Whatever the stimulus, there is that inevitable three-step reversal that happens.

Website design By BotEap.comUnless you are guilty. Remember: limits define what we are responsible for. But the culprits never accept responsibility for any of their destructive behaviors. It’s always someone else’s fault.

Website design By BotEap.comHow can you recognize the culprits before entering into relationships with them?

Website design By BotEap.comI thought you cared about me. Why would you treat me like this?

Website design By BotEap.comIf you would listen to me, I wouldn’t have to treat you badly!

Website design By BotEap.comYou swore you’d never hit me again. You lied to me!

Website design By BotEap.comIf you didn’t piss me off, I wouldn’t have to hit you!

Website design By BotEap.comMom, stop! You’re hurting me!

Website design By BotEap.comDo you see what you made me do?

Website design By BotEap.comWhy are you angry? I am totally confused.

Website design By BotEap.comYou took away my freedom to make my own decision.

Website design By BotEap.comI don’t understand why you are so hot and cold. Why can’t you be civilized?

Website design By BotEap.comI was abused as a child. That’s why I’m so broke! It’s not my fault!

Website design By BotEap.comWhy did you leave your wife and children?

Website design By BotEap.comShe did not meet my needs. If she had been a better wife, I wouldn’t have had to leave.

Website design By BotEap.comWhy haven’t you lost weight? I thought you made a commitment to stay healthy.

Website design By BotEap.comPeople demand too much of me. I have to eat to deal with stress!

Website design By BotEap.comDo you see a pattern here? These people do not want to accept responsibility for their own shortcomings and are not particularly picky about who they blame. Anyone will.

Website design By BotEap.comIn recovery, we have to watch out for these patterns, not just in others, but in ourselves as well. I speak from personal experience, as well as a counselor’s experience with those who repeated the cycle of abuse in the next generation.

Website design By BotEap.comBreathe in the smell and sting of each lost layer. Get your hands dirty, your eyes watery and your soul clean. Even if you never get rid of all the layers, the process will allow you to feel better about yourself, with God, and give you a sense of dignity. It’s stinky hard work, but it’s worth it!