Website design By BotEap.comPeace, joy, and gratitude: these are things we wish for during the Christmas season and throughout the year. But those feelings are sometimes hard to find in our stressful world, particularly at Christmas, as we are bombarded with our thoughts that may not be comforting or joyful.
Website design By BotEap.comI have been working with Charlotte, a mother in her forties who often gets anxious and depressed during the holidays. She focuses on her negative thoughts and ends up being unable to enjoy or rejoice in the season. Every year she finds herself in a prison made of her own ideas and thoughts, far from the blessings of her family and her celebration.
Website design By BotEap.comWhen Charlotte came to me, full of guilt and harsh judgment, I asked her what she would say if a friend came to her with such negative self-reliance. Charlotte said that she would show compassion and understanding. She would listen to her friend. “Why don’t we start there with you then?” I asked.
Website design By BotEap.comThe first step for Charlotte was to learn and practice mindfulness or attention in the moment. This awareness can provide a connection between you and your environment, as well as the people around you. It is the act of simply being, not judging.
Website design By BotEap.comI asked Charlotte to begin this mindfulness practice by focusing on the simple pleasures of the holidays: the scent of pine needles on the tree, the velvety feel of the stocking on her fingers, and the taste and texture of the Christmas cookie while walking slowly. and she chews thoughtfully. I asked her to be present, that she experience these sensations as they occur. And, if a negative thought finds its way, simply notice the thought, acknowledge it, and then return to the moment: the smell, the touch, the taste.
Website design By BotEap.comThe happiness effect has a biological basis, something unique to humans. Research has shown that focusing on kindness and appreciation actually promotes the release, the secretion, of two chemicals that help us feel pleasure and well-being: oxytocin and dopamine. This helps us feel connected to others.
Website design By BotEap.comThe opposite is also true. If we think negatively, attacking ourselves and others with negative thoughts, our brain triggers the release of adrenaline and dopamine, two substances that can increase agitation. This sets us apart from others.
Website design By BotEap.comAfter a while, Charlotte began to notice how often those negative and destructive thoughts interfered with the simple pleasures of the holiday season. At one point, she said that she now realized that negativity had somehow become her “default” way of thinking, that she had been moving through life on autopilot. This caused her to lose much of the world around her.
Website design By BotEap.comThe next step came once Charlotte realized how she had been thinking and that she was in control. She then began to judge herself harshly when she wasn’t being aware. At that point, we needed to get back to the idea of helping a friend. “What would you say or do if it was a friend saying these things to you?”
Website design By BotEap.comCharlotte’s withdrawal to autopilot began in childhood, as she grew up in an alcoholic household. This past needed to be accepted before she could truly embrace her present. I worked with Charlotte to label negative thoughts as judgement, fear, or hopelessness. As Charlotte went through this exercise whenever thoughts of her came up, she began to see how she had been so successfully programmed into that negative way of thinking. Even better, she began to see how she had options.
Website design By BotEap.comWhy is it important to share Charlotte’s story with you now? Because learning mindfulness is possible and the Christmas season, with its ups and downs, joys and tensions, hopes and expectations, is a good time to learn to take care of yourself and your thoughts. As neuroscientist Dr. Wayne Drevets observes, “In the brain, practice makes permanent.” We can start to change our way of thinking, to change our perceptions during the holidays. This time of year gives us the opportunity to redefine how we think about ourselves and those around us.
Website design By BotEap.comIf you’d like to try some practices to foster peace of mind while on vacation, here are some suggestions:
Website design By BotEap.com1. Focus on your breathing. As you inhale, think about “being.” As you exhale, think “calm.” Inhale and exhale slowly and purposefully.
2. Spend 30 seconds (or more) allowing your attention and senses to be fully in the present, IN the here and now.
3. Label your negative thoughts. Label them “judgment,” “fear,” or “reliving the past” as they flash through your mind. Then bring your attention back to the here and now.
4. Work on generating those positive chemicals, oxytocin and dopamine. Called Loving Kindness Meditation, repeat in your mind:
• May you be at peace
• May I be healed
• Can I send living kindness to others?
• May you be at peace
• May you be healed
• May you be filled with loving kindness
5. Notice when you feel moments of joy. Notice when you feel happy with someone else.
6. Notice when you feel jealous or resentful and ask yourself why that happened.
7. Forgive yourself. Say: “For the ways I was jealous or resentful, may I forgive myself.”
8. Offer appreciation to yourself. Appreciate when you have offered kindness and love to others.
9. Allow yourself to focus on what brings joy to you and those around you.
10. Remember the here and now. Notice the many blessings around you. Consider writing these blessings down at the end of the day.
11. Try to look for joy, love and miracles around you. If you have trouble noticing such things, ask yourself why.
Website design By BotEap.comCharlotte is learning to notice the abundance of gifts around her and is now discovering that the holidays offer myriad opportunities to practice mindfulness.
