How do I get out?

Website design By BotEap.com“Great communication begins with connection. What makes us different from one another is far less important than what makes us the same: we all yearn for acceptance and meaning.” – Oprah Winfrey

Website design By BotEap.com“How do I get out?” it is a very personal and individual question that I hope to shed some light on. “Coming out of the closet” can be about anything really. We can “declare” that we have a new job, a new hobby, a new sport, a new boyfriend or girlfriend. We can also “go out” on a secret. This article is about how to “come out” as a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex or questioning.

Website design By BotEap.comI want to tell you about an amazing “coming out of the closet” story. I recently saw a video of a 10-year-old biological boy who, through tears, told his mother that he was actually a girl. Woof !! I had tears in my own eyes, I felt compassion for the boy’s pain for living as the “wrong” gender, and I admired the boy’s courage. Before those of us who are not transgender judge this situation, let me say that this child was completely miserable as a child. I just couldn’t go on like this. Once she was allowed to live as a child, she was very happy, content, made many friends, and lived a normal life as a child. She was able to live an authentic life, true to herself. I know not everyone will agree with your parents, but this article is for teens who want to come out. When this kid, who I’ll refer to as “J”, told his mom, his mom handled it by telling J that everything would be okay. He knew that J had liked to wear his sister’s clothes often. He also knew that J was not happy. But she didn’t know for sure that J wanted and needed to live her life as a child. Then he experienced surprise. I imagine he felt a lot of concern for J as to whether J would be accepted. The beautiful thing was that J’s parents, sister, and grandmothers completely accepted her as a child right away. J’s grandparents were hesitant, worried that J might not make this decision at such a young age. They were being honest. But the video showed that even a grandfather gave J (as a child) a big hug, indicating that he loved her no matter what.

Website design By BotEap.comWhen I was a 12-year-old girl, I knew I was attracted to girls. It was very scary because I had no support and I was living in a very homophobic age and culture. When I told my mother, I was 36 years old and I told my mother that I was gay. She had great difficulty with it, she didn’t accept it and I ended up feeling rejected by her for the rest of her life. On the other hand, my boys, who were 9 and 6 at the time, said “Great” and have been very receptive and understanding ever since. My and J’s stories illustrate several ideas to think about before coming out of the closet. Mainly, I think we should think about our own feelings before coming out of the closet. This process that I have outlined below is designed to give you a better coming out experience and a better life in the process.

Website design By BotEap.comStep one: Look at your positive feelings and ideas. How would you dream your ideal coming out process would be? You may be imagining that you are completely accepted when you come out of the closet. What would that look like? Is that a hug and a declaration of love and support? So I would like you to give yourself a hug right now and declare that you love yourself. This is a very important step. Please take the time to enjoy it and let it sink in. This is your dream and you can have your dream.

Website design By BotEap.comSecond step: Get in touch with your “negative” feelings. Are you afraid, anxious, frustrated, sad, angry, or in pain about coming out of the closet? Do you have feelings for being in the “closet” until now? What are they? Do you have any negative feelings about yourself as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex, or questioning? The best thing to do is talk about all your feelings with a trusted friend or counselor, write about them, draw or paint, or write poetry. Express these feelings!

Website design By BotEap.comStep three: Accept your feelings. Feelings are part of us. We need to feel accepted by ourselves above all. That includes our feelings. Imagine embracing every feeling that comes out of the closet. You may need help with this. A counselor can help.

Website design By BotEap.comStep four: Take care of your doubts. Now that you have really worked to fully accept yourself, you are ready for your doubts. We will call this part of you the “doubt.” The Self-doubt part is a good thing. It can help you to know the obstacles or obstacles to your dream of coming out of the closet. Now you need to get in touch with any questions you have about whether your Step One dream will be achievable. Write it as a list and try to be specific. This might look like this: 1. Aunt Lupe is not listening to me. 2. Uncle George will laugh at me or make fun of me. 3. Mom will say that I am no longer her son. 4. Dad could get violent with me. 5. My parents can kick me out of the house. 6. People don’t like me anymore. 7. My friends will no longer want to talk to me. Okay, now that you have your list complete, you know what your skeptic is thinking. Now, after each one, decide if it is based on reality, that is, truly an obstacle, or if it is a limiting belief. For example, # 1. Aunt Lupe doesn’t listen to me. How do you know this? Based on past experience, does your aunt never listen? Okay, so you decide that this is a limiting belief because sometimes your aunt listens. # 2. Uncle George will laugh at me or make fun of me. You have the experience that your uncle always makes fun of you. This is an obstacle. # 3. Mom will say that I am no longer her son. There is also the possibility that it will not. It is a limiting belief because you cannot know what someone will say. # 4. Dad could get violent with me. Again, what is your past experience? This can be a hindrance. # 5. My parents can kick me out of the house. If you really think this could happen, you are a hindrance. # 6. People don’t like me anymore. This is a limiting belief. You can’t tell if people will like you after you come out of the closet or not. # 7. My friends will no longer want to talk to me. This is also a limiting belief because you cannot know what your friends think or want.

Website design By BotEap.comStep 5: Treat limiting beliefs. This is a great step because it is so empowering. Let’s take the limiting beliefs from our example and turn them into empowering beliefs. # 1. Aunt Lupe doesn’t listen to me. Let’s say, “Aunt Lupe loves me and wants to hear every word I have to say.” # 3. Mom will say that I am no longer her son. Let’s say, “Mommy will say she loves me just the way I am and is glad she told her.” # 6. People don’t like me anymore. Let’s say, “People will love me because I have so much to offer them as a person.” # 7. My friends will no longer want to talk to me. Let’s say, “My friends will love talking to me now because I’m true to myself.” Now that you have your empowering beliefs, commit to saying each one 2 times a day for 7 days. Continue this practice by adding new empowering beliefs as your skeptic presents limiting beliefs in his life.

Website design By BotEap.comStep 6: Face the obstacles. Let’s go to the obstacles in step 4. # 2. Uncle George will make fun of me. You can prepare for this by thinking about what you might say to Uncle George when he “goes out” so that he is not as likely to tease you. You could say “Uncle George, I have something serious that I want to talk to you about and I don’t want you to laugh or make fun of me.” Sometimes people laugh or laugh because it takes them by surprise. So you can also say a second opening sentence like “I want to talk to you about something personal about me.” Let’s go to n. 4. Dad could get violent with me. If this is a possibility, then it is very important to stay safe. You can tell your dad over the phone or not tell him at all. # 5. My parents could kick me out of the house. If this is a possibility, then you need to make a solid plan. Can you stay with a friend until he calms down and takes you back home? Many teenagers flee for their safety, but find the street very dangerous. If you are under 18 and a student and your parents are not taking you home, you can go to a school counselor who can help you and even see a social worker who can arrange a safe home for you to live. Or you may decide that you can live without coming out of the closet until you reach an age and have a job so you can live on your own. Obviously there are a lot of obstacles that I haven’t mentioned yet, like culture. Coming out of the closet in some cultures brings special problems. Also, you may live in a country where coming out is life threatening. You may be in a heterosexual marriage. You may be a single parent.

Website design By BotEap.comStep 7: Get support, if you haven’t already. Increase your support. Find a support group in your area. You are a student? The Point Foundation provides mentoring, financial support, leadership training, and hope to students who are marginalized due to their sexual orientation or gender expression. Here’s an online support group for gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender teens: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Gay-Lesbian-Teens/support-group.

Website design By BotEap.comIF YOU ARE IN CRISIS: contact The Trevor Project’s 24/7 Lifeline at 866-488-7386, or the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255.

Website design By BotEap.comStep 8: Get more information: Http://www.PFLAG.org has a great page on how to talk to family. Steps one through eight will help you prepare for your own reaction to coming out of the closet and obstacles. Then you will be better prepared for the reactions of others when you come out of the closet. If you decide not to come out of the closet, you can still follow these steps to process your dream, your feelings, your Doubtful, your limiting beliefs, and the obstacles to your dream. You can still get more information and support. I encourage you to ask for help in any way.