Life on hold – The weight of death

Website design By BotEap.comFor the past few days I have been walking around feeling like there is a heavy weight on me ready to drop at any moment. Getting things done has been a chore. Making plans beyond the next day has sapped all my willpower. It feels like my life is on hold and I’m just waiting.

Website design By BotEap.comThe waiting part is true and there is not much you can do about it. But the waiting part of life is my doing and there’s a lot I can do about it.

Website design By BotEap.comYou see, my wife is in Nashville with her father who is dying. He was released from the hospital on Friday and is now receiving hospice care at home. (http://www.hospicenet.org/html/faq.html This is a wonderful site full of great information on end-of-life care) Melissa is there with her sister, her step-mother and others to provide comfort and be there. to help you through this transition to the other world.

Website design By BotEap.comMelissa was there for a week, returned last Tuesday, and then on Thursday received word that her father had taken a turn for the worse. She dropped everything, turned around and flew back there.

Website design By BotEap.comIt’s amazing how the two little words, “any day,” spoken by a doctor can create a sense of urgency in those close to whom those words are spoken. In a very powerful way, too, those words provide a certain freedom, they provide permission to step away from the responsibilities of daily life and attend to the deep and transformative issues that arise around the end of a life.

Website design By BotEap.comI can feel the relief in my wife when we talk. There is a lightness in her voice, a clarity that seems to come from this letting go. Her willingness to let go of the responsibilities she has here so she can be there with her father and her family has clearly been good for her. The opportunities she has had to connect with her father during this powerful time of transition has brought them closer than ever. And her ability to acknowledge and share her grief and sadness within the supportive environment of her family has had a cleansing effect on her.

Website design By BotEap.comAs she goes through this powerful process down there, I am here with Ella, feeling disconnected, not knowing my role, and more than a little powerless. How can I support Melissa while she is in Nashville?

Website design By BotEap.comI understand that, from a practical point of view, staying here and taking care of Ella is the best support I can give. She gives Melissa the opportunity to be there with her family. But that hasn’t made it any easier being so far away.

Website design By BotEap.comThis disconnection and helplessness is also permeating the rest of my life. How do I plan beyond today? Do I need to arrange childcare for the evenings that I teach? How about Saturday’s Law of Attraction group? Do I need to get coverage for that? What about my morning meetings on Fridays?

Website design By BotEap.comShe and I are flying to Nashville for the funeral. But when will that be? This day? Morning? In three weeks? Every time Melissa calls, I think, “This is it.” And every time I call her and she doesn’t answer, that same thought goes through my head. I can assure you that this type of thinking does not lead to a productive and focused work life!

Website design By BotEap.comIn moments of clarity, I recognize this moment as a powerful challenge and opportunity to be more present in my life. And with clarity come questions. Good questions that can lead me into a fuller presence. These are just some of the questions that are arising.

Website design By BotEap.comCan I move on with my life knowing that, at any moment, I will be called?

Website design By BotEap.comCan I let go of my image of “support” and trust that my ability to be here with Her is the most powerful support I can offer?

Website design By BotEap.comCan I recognize and take care of my own needs during this time?

Website design By BotEap.comCan I find the words to speak clearly with Ella about what’s going on?

Website design By BotEap.comWhen I take a step back from everything that is happening and get some perspective, I really see the blessing of this time. It is so easy to put life on hold, to wait for some momentous event -or not so momentous- to move on. I’ve seen it in myself and in my clients: we look forward to hearing about a job we’ve applied for. We wait to know if an article has been accepted. We look forward to hearing if someone we like wants to go on a date with us. We expect a check in the mail. We await a phone call. We wait…

Website design By BotEap.comHow often do we put our lives on hold waiting for some external circumstance to resolve itself?

Website design By BotEap.comMost of the time, this waiting, this grasping, is so subtle that we don’t even notice it. In this case it has been anything but subtle. This well-defined sense of paralysis has given me the opportunity to explore that place of contention. Now I am aware of it, aware, and so I can choose how to proceed. I can claim full responsibility for my actions, or lack of actions.

Website design By BotEap.comThat is both the beauty and the curse of self-awareness: as your awareness expands, so does the level of responsibility you must take for your life. I choose to take full responsibility for this moment in my life. Will I step forward, as Thoreau says, with confidence in the direction of my dreams, knowing that my progress may be interrupted at any moment? Or will I continue to play with my thumbs, waiting for all the lights on the road in front of me to turn green?

Website design By BotEap.comThe choice is mine. And at every moment I will continue to make the best possible choice. Because that’s all I can do.